Okay so I came home, my table, room and cupboard were super messy and I had not emailed to my supervisor what I hoped to. Class this morning was really mentally tiring. I don’t know how to discuss Chomsky related stuff for 4 hours… plus its very difficult communicating with people in a different culture and with different ‘norms’ for communication from yours. They probably think I’m very weird different. But that’s what I’ve to get past, living under people’s conceptions of me. I want to be free!
Think of all the things I’ve been bogged down with lately, and while they are completely justified, I also wonder how I am to climb out of this. Then I went for a lovely gelati with M and had an in-depth conversation about what, Christians and sex. A somewhat heavy topic, very confronting. And my stand, what do I do?
Talked about vulnerability and being feminine, what is relevant to me is how Singapore women in particular tend to want to be the man achieve past their supportive role. And I see now how, many times in my life, I have not allowed man as a collective to step take their place in my life. My twisted, convoluted character kept me bound, hindered me from growing. Which is what I have to submit to God. Now I know I am in a ‘desert period’, where I simply am learning to count the cost, what is important. How important is God to me, what is sin??
But you know God is also telling me another thing. Here is goes, no more safety net girl. Stop building yourself into safety routines, comfortablity before I dare to pursue what God wants of me. An example is when I am choosing a career, I have so many backups, qualifications to be a music teacher, to be a primary or secondary school teacher, just in case I can’t find a job I rebuke that in Jesus’ name! For all good things come from him, and he cares for me more than I can ever know. I put all these backup plans before I dare to step out, do what God has called me into, uncertain territory. But there is where I can learn to put my trust in Him! Plus, I waste so much time on crafting my backup plan.
I just love the lyrics to this song:
Here it goes… I’m letting go…
of all that’s weighing me down.
More of you, less of me,
that’s the way it should be.
Now I look to You,
and not to this world…
I am found in You,
and You are found in meYou’re the center of my everything,
you’re the rock on which I stand,
my foundation, is you JESUS…
I’m holding onto you 4eva!
God you are the most macho person I have ever dated. In this context to clarify means spending intense time with and committing emotions to. Everyday with you, just makes my knees shiver. =)
Woo hoo!!! Life is just getting better… and better =) and planetUni camp is coming up! Very excited!!!
