desperation

What is my purpose? Try hard… I know I can, I know I can try but try at what? And God why does it hurt so bad? Because I’m afraid of getting hurt after I did get hurt? Oh freak the world screams me me me scratch the opponent who yells louder wins first prize what is made to be distorted

banshee screams and then it is gone
leaving dreams related to scathing nightmares, cycle after cycle, embedded so closely – we are working hard, but what for?

try, brittle heart O you of little faith
capsize this ship turn tantrums into cloud-filled skies sailing above
and I have a view, a vision of horizon different from 1 degree off
that takes materialism and common sense into a hazy heaven no one obscures. road wide way main easy rot

run run run away from it all
from those tell me I’m so small
captive imagination comes to flight… I think I went to heaven and I am now in hell

Wishing upon a Singapore star that fades

What can I do but go on? And this I will. Take my angsty spirit.

I lost my honesty. I lost my truth.

I gotta say…Jesus is awesome

More than enough for me Jesus…

I must apologise for writing such random and sporadic posts here. On top of that my moods seem to veer from sky-high to crashing to the ground rock-bottom between posts. I will update more when I have the time. And when I have clarity in my thoughts.

I just can’t believe how good Jesus is to me. He saved my friend from going to hell. He gave me freedom in Christ. He gave me a brand new start. He loves me. He is my peace, my strength, my firm foundation. He gave me the opportunity to come to Melbourne and live in a peaceful place with no war. He introduced me to such a lively, bubbly plethora of friends so my life is never lonely. He is with me every moment of the day. He gave me life!!! He gave me great parents, an awesome home situation and a lovely brother. He gave me riches.

Planetshakers newest album “All for Love” is out! Pick it up everybody! I’ll be back in Singapore on June the 13th! Just in time for my parent’s 20 dunno-what-th wedding aniversary. Wow, thank you God for being in their marriage!

Hebrews 13:5. No matter what. He loves me! I feel so secure. =) On a note, mentioned that I was seeking to forgive and heal deep emotional wounds in my heart? I emailed Z and very honestly said what I felt. And when I recieved an email reply from London… I know its over. Make a clean cut and now I am free to begin life in a new situation. Stripped of the emotional baggage I (unknowingly) carried for too many years of my young-woman life. Beautiful Woman is happening in 3 days time! Where I become a beautiful woman, inside – out

11 more days. 6000 more words. 2 drafts. awesome church. beautiful melbourne. no where else can one cycle in the streets feel gentle rain-clouds on my cheekbones. And actually be riding in the cold cloud (usually up above). The fog hovering around Melbourne has made it too beautiful to describe the past 2 days. then to moist Singapore. 12 participants. 12 interviews. many transcriptions. lovely friends, family, loved ones to meet. More of Jesus. Wow. can’t wait!

“Unwoman”

“picture coming”

A spectacle of self-loathing, pornographic femininity whose only designated function is to react to the opposing sex. She is a contorted product of the hypocritical arguments that fuel the fashion industry’s pseudo-intellectualism, deeply entrenched in the trappings of promiscuity but unable to actually pursue autonomous sexual acts. Defined by a highly exploitative carnality that is meant to empower, the unwoman is the Narcissistic manifestation of a designer’s social paranoia. A cartoon in the flesh, she is the product and the consumer that co-exist within the same Sartorial skin. Her narrative is that of a confused superficiality expressed through near-constant tragedy. She is a wilful hopelessness that requires constant re-en-forcement or it will come completely undone.

My un-purpose

I woke up this morning, rolling around in bed feeling like something on my heart I can’t place. I wanna have a happy life, go swimming, take lots of photos, have friends that I see for more than 6 months a year… what am I doing here? I didn’t want to be here in the first place. Maybe if I didn’t make that bad decision to apply overseas and if I had had more confidence in my sucky studies (which I put random efforts into).. if I had been more conscientious of my studies.

Decided to be emo all over again. Listening to a Corinne May CD. Why did I come here and why didn’t I quit earlier if I knew it would make me so unhappy? I am me I just can’t help having such thoughts.

WHY WHY WHY?

1. Why am I here in Melbourne?
2. Why does my heart long to be someplace else?
3. Why am I studying this course?
question 3: because I was too lazy to check otherwise my options. So this was a mistake? That God turns around for good because He loves me?

Sometimes being emotional doesn’t get anywhere as fast as being rational does.

Sometimes I wish I could act on my impulses, but Someone has captured my heart and though I try at times I can’t not listen any longer. I wanna be well enough not to have diarohea 5 times in an hour, and go out. Enjoy the life I have, be happy. Sit in the sun (fleeting hours) and embrace life. Not stuck indoors, living life through corny lines others have scripted ~ I write my own script. Come on! Life will get better… just believe (o:

It’s not about me

Oh man. The weather is cold, my throat is sore, and I’m sick. I’ve got a ton of work, and am spending time so inefficiently on top of that. When I’m not doing work, I’m worrying. And when I am, I can’t concentrate. What is bugging me! Gah.

Remind myself…its not about me, its not about me… come on this story is not about me…

sickness

Woo hoo!!! 1 literature review down, 1 presentation down… 2 days of being sick… and ongoing… =( an empty pantry with nothing in it…

love my coursemates =) love my life, apart from being sick… anyway just wanna say WOO HOO!!!! literature review and presentation down!!!!! all other thoughts are a bit jumbled at the moment.

the weather has been so sunny and yet chilling to the bone recently… its such a lovely day outside – on impulse want to find something to do, someone to hang out with. Yeah no nice food b/c … sorethroat. =S sssian…

quotes

Some of my favorite sayings…

“Goals are dreams with deadlines.” (Diana Scharf Hunt)

“If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.” (Chinese Proverb)“

“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.” (Martin Luther King Jr., “Strength to Love”, 1963)

“Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same, but you leave ‘em all over everything you do. (Elvis Presley)

“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” (Scott Hamilton)

“The more complicated and powerful the job, the more rudimentary the preparation for it.” (William F. Buckley, Jr.)

“Never mistake endurance for hospitality.” (Unknown)

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” (Lily Tomlin)

“Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.” (Lois Wyse)

“Judge intelligence by the answers given to questions. Judge creativity by the questions asked.” (Gerald Haman, founder and president of SolutionPeople)

“Success is often achieved by those who don’t know that failure is inevitable.” (Coco Chanel)

Thinking about a career…I’ve been sick the past couple of days…and I went downstairs to get lunch.

Boy: “How are you?”

Me: “Not too bad… do you have any porridge?”

B: “No… but we have claypot rice, which is sort of like porridge”

Me: “err…”

B: “You’re probably thinking what is Malay claypot rice like?”

Me: “Actually I have a sorethroat…so anything soupy…”

B: understanding smile

Me: “I’ll have the claypot rice”

After 5 minutes or so he came out of the kitchen and held a box 1/4 filled with water up high (well that’s how it loooked to me). He said with a big grin “This is replace your porridge!”.

Me: “Wow.” inquisitive look

B: “i’m going to put it into a plastic bag of course, i just wanted to show it to you first”

as I was leaving B said “get well soon!”

I felt so welcomed there. Why was that boy so nice to go out of his way to make someone like me, a  random customer feel better?

It made me think if there was a difference between Christians showing love and Malays showing love. The fact that I live on Lygon street, and have worked in hospitality… the fact that I like talking to people… it’s got to point to something in my future career…

in branding or communication… hospitality… about every aspect showing God’s love. imagine not being a boss on my own…

Motivational sayings

Thanks for letting me know I am remembered I hate space… anyway the past few weeks has been a real test of character for me, seeing how much work I can handle while keeping a positive outlook.

Several favourite sayings from the calendar on my desk (courtesy of Ministry of Education + Mum!)

What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, an American author, poet and philosopher

There is an immutable conflict at work, in life and in business, a constant battle between peace and chaos. Neither can be mastered, but both can be influenced. How you go about that is the key to success. – Philip Knight, the co-founder and former CEO of Nike, Inc. and the owner of Laika Entertainment House (formerly Will Vinton Studios). I don’t know if I quite agree…

I’ve included a picture of my work space…

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y121/estherchew/IMG_0182.jpg

For some reason, other photos are having problem uploading. Photobucket site seems to be down.

I believe that being successful means having a balance of success stories across the many areas of your life. You can’t truly be considered successful in your business life if your home life is in shambles. – Zig Ziglar, a highly successful American author, salesperson, and motivational speaker.

time for school!!

r a n d o m

Hey whoever reads this blog, thanks so much for reading this blog. Think i have too many problems in my life I try to superimpose onto people.

Not sure why, but lately people seem to have been forgetting me. Maybe I bury myself too deep inside the ground to be noticed. Unwilling to be noticed.

I am boring. borrr-eeng. Eew. If i weren’t me, I wouldn’t want to be me. Really? I remember acting in a play where a main character had this said to her by her friends “yooou sttink!” Do I? Why nobody wanna be my friend? =(

people are all the same

This is not some conspiracy theory webpage…hello I’m Esther :p. However, I had an incredibly spine-tingling, hair-raising conversation with my housemate on the book of Revelation, and the end of the world. Well the main insight I gleaned from this:

• the big bird john was talking about could have been aeroplanes
• microchips are being developed: the best places for them are in the hand and the forehead. Moreover when the battery of these leak, boils erupt. This is a multi-million dollar project currently ongoing between Australian Uni & U.S. Uni.

I faced up to the calling to the poor, needy and those on the fringes of society. I was walking to Laguna and passed the homeless man with ‘1 or 2 gold coins’ sign. I walked past like the stuck-up Asian. Then I felt God drawing me, if it were Jesus, what would He have done? By walking by so hard-heartedly it just hardens that homeless man’s heart more toward mankind, the gospel. I don’t think Jesus would have gone by and done nothing, He was a man of action, and He would have done something.

Moreover my quiet time this morning was from “drawing near” written by John Bevere (he’s an awesome author, so Spirit led) this book was talking about Christians who do not know truly what the term “worship” means. It is not a quiet song, singing songs to God or appearing ‘Christian-like’…God says that is fake and we are trying to draw near to Him on the basis of our goodness, rather than accepting His mercy toward us which we are unable to earn ourselves. (verse)

It was talking about Christians who sing praises, and lift their arms and however that is not pleasing to God if the lifestyle reeks of sin. God is disgusted by worship that is not according to his instruction in the Word.

As I was walking to Laguna, God began to convict me of His Word. You see, when one has encountered, has tasted God one cannot deny it.

“If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person?” -1John 3:17, New Living Translation

“Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.” – 1 John 3:18

For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.

And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’

Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’ -Matthew 25:34-45, abridged version

Here was me, the well-fed International student how could I walk past the homeless man with a hardened heart? Jesus specifically cautions against hardening heart… I couldn’t jump, shout and cheer in church with a clear conscience if I did not put my faith into action, in this case meant talking to this man like any other, and giving him food to eat, from the budget I had.

In laguna I got him some gummy’s (everyone likes to feel like a child again) and paid for the groceries I got. I was still 30 mins early to meet A. Went back, and God gave me the peace and confidence to go up to Him, ask how he was and say I got something for him from the supermart. I gave him 5 dollars.

I know some might say he deserves the place in society, he’s just lazy and not working. Well I used to think that way till God changed my mindset. We don’t deserve anything He did for us either… we are all sinners… if I don’t take this chance to reach out to him, will I ever get to again? Well he appreciated the chocolate biscuits very much and had a conversation about his day, which was “not too bad”, and my studies in university. When he shook my hand, murmuring “God bless you” and looked straight in my eyes…

Homeless people on the streets are just like you in God’s eyes.

Everyone has a facade on the outside; “don’t talk to me”, or harsh, “I don’t care”, but inside they are all broken. It takes someone different to reach beyond that facade and say “Hey I love you because Jesus died for my sins and I am set free, because He loves me.” =) People desperately need God. People are just like that without God, becacuse we are created to be made complete in God. It’s that simple. Without God, man is incomplete.

This verse also convicts me.

“If there is a poor man among you, one of your brothers, in any of the towns of the land which the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart, nor close your hand to your poor brother; but you shall freely open your hand to him, and generously lend him sufficient for his need in whatever he lacks.” -Deut 15:17

How could I walk away and say I am worthy to come into God’s presence? And expect Him to draw near to me, and bless me? If I cannot clothe the brother in need?

Everyone wants the same things as we are human. I am so glad that God put me up to this. And I am able to see man in the way He sees them, which is full of potential and in the image of their maker. Don’t see people for what they are now, but what they can become.

http://www.zompist.com/meetthepoor.html This is an excellent site to visit on God’s words on the poor, btw.

I do this because out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. It is written in Matthew 12:34.

And another noteworthy thing is what Ps Matt said, which I think is so true: A misconception is that SIN means you are a bad person; it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, SIN means seperated from God. Sincerely, God doesn’t hate sinners, He cannot be together with them because Sin is bad and God is good, bad and good cannot exist together.

But God sent Jesus who put to death sin by His death on the cross, and we are now able to fellowship with God if we accept His Son as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins.

I had an excellent lunch & exercise. The salad-pasta thingy in Flinders lane is really quite yummy. Then A and I went around city looking for converse shoes (ai, someone is more concerned about how he looks eh! :p) to buy an ink cartridge and ran…a lot. Actually was good, hadn’t exercised in a.g.e.s. It is awesome to hear of the good works God is performing in OCF and had inspired conversation. God restored my faith in men-kind through occurrences today. I am just so excited, inspired to see what Jesus has in store for my life.

Had to make phone calls today, 1 was an extremely difficult one, 2 were ookay. What happens determines how right my heart is with God. But He’s stretching me in such ways. I am being challenged everyday. My character is being moulded… I love u Lord… sincerely…

Tonight will I have a jam-packed schedule of reading for issues in linguistics class, reading for literature review, reading for research methods assignment, reading, reading, reading, reeeedin, reedinng… redddding..

J I recieved the belated birthday Corrine May CD – listening to it now, thanks!! Love it! =) It made my day to recieve a package from Singapore…