wayward wanderer

What do I do when I feel inadequate?

What do I do when I feel insecure?? When people’s giftings seem bigger than mine… that part I don’t mind… but when people don’t seem to care…? When my heart is empty, no conviction?

Maybe that’s why God makes our bodies capable of running, running, running away from the crowd, jeers, people who can give so much joy but also suffocate so unknowingly… I want to run away. Somewhere with fresh air, clean sand, and just be. Like be myself, be by myself but surrounded by society, life. I want to be somewhere I imagine in my mind…

I really really really feel like a lost sheep now. Thank God I figured out that structure was what was wrong with my draft outline – literature review and managed to look at thesis sentences and figure out that way.

PlanetUNI camp was big, awesome to see so many people there who I had never seen before. The church is growingin amazing ways. God met with me there, haven’t really figured out what I’ve gotten from it (yet). Will blog about it next time.

This is so bad, but sometimes I wonder: why bother? Why talk to people? In the time it takes me to get to know them, they’ll be gone for so much longer. Ps Russell’s message on continuing to live with an open heart… been hurt before? Welcome to reality! I know I have that burried somewhere in me am not (yet!) willing to deal with.

At dinner last night it was with people I knew but a bunch of strangers, melding in and out of my life, who were closer than I knew yet I don’t bother to want to get to know. They are from penninsula above my beloved-red-dot but yet miles different. Character, attitudes, outlook. Simple defining words that encapsulate a world within their 3 syllable borders. Things which would take 10 books to define. Yet strategically important…I really don’t think I could live without human touch, human encounter.

I used to be able to say things forthrightly to anyone I encountered, just tell-it and…be happy in who I was. But after meeting people who give all these hurts, scars, un-acknowledgement, ignorant, non-compliant attitudes…and who the sun still shines on and are so materially well off… I know life isn’t fair. Used to have a resigned attitude – and I was so happy – because I enjoyed what was small but free and now I’m just trapped along with the rest of the cynical, unhappy world.

Have things in my life I am just wondering about. I went out to dinner with a girl I’ve been inviting to church and her friends. Conversation over dinner was about celebrities, getting drunk, opposite sex, broken marriages, disbelief in marriage, being polygamous, freedom, getting smashed, partying, brashly spending money, divorce, making an impression, fashion world, being witty, callously funny, drinking… what the heck happened to my innocent life? And I ended up fainting from the wine I drank (note: I am a terrible drinker) and feeling shitty the rest of the night.

Do I want to work in an industry where this is how people get the next contact, high, job opportunity… You know they’re incredibly nice people though. They are real, care and have more experience than the usual highly petted, spoiled, naive, worry-about-getting-bad-grades bunch of overseas students I usually meet.

Haha I’m reading back on what I wrote and this is such. an. emo. post. It’s exactly how I feel right now.

Since I’m on this subject: I dislike older men, especially those who are working. They have so much (muscular and monetary) power and don’t hesitate to wield it. (What if they yield it the wrong way?) They look at you and you know what they’re thinking. And it scares me because I don’t know how to respond. Please, I don’t want to go out with you, go on a date or whatever.

I ate at lazzat for lunch and universal pizza for dinner. I’ve assignments due tomorrow, friday, and on thursday I’m meeting my teacher to discuss content for presentation in a month. Wednesday there is urbanlife. (yay!) I so seriously need. to. go. for. a run. Aside from affecting my physical life it is making me 200% more grump.
F is leaving to go back to Singapore. Boo-hoo… Mrs Lim I will miss your company, forthright comments, caring spirit. More to say in next post.

so far from you, God

Man I just want to say something. I don’t know when I’ve missed out. So considerate, so loving…but maybe I’m just seeing what I want to see, not to mention in the midst of the desert season. But he has good character, comparatively there’s no denying that.

Yes I just read an email he wrote. But it brought back memories of past emails and emotions associated with them. Of the things I believed then in my teenage soul.

Today I was struggling with this physical apathy, spiritual lethargy. Because face it, I just don’t feel like talking to God. Probably because I did something wrong (what’s new?). It’s my whole thing about being treated bad, and when I’m treated good, or loved, I don’t even know it. Why? Because I have so much anger within I’m always inadvertedly hating myself.

Like Christine Caine said in Sunday’s sermon…most of us christians do love our neighbour as we love ourselves – the second greatest commandment – but we just don’t love ourselves that much. Why do I hate myself? Because I am with myself, and my inmost thoughts 24 hours of the day?

What did I accomplish today? Besides having sinned greatly in the past 24 hours, sitting here in my room, facing the newly decorated wall with photos of joyful times in my life, listening to the soft croons of Corrine Bailey Rae, thinking of times past.

I know I need God to touch my life but I’ve tried distractedly, broken-heartedly, lethargically, defeatedly, already rejected before trying-ly, and I don’t know how to get past this barrier. Blast. Okay. I’ll be completely honest here. A lot of times I struggle with believing God to provide and that gives the door for a lot of my sins committed. Desperate, because I don’t believe He is enough for me. So I take things into my own hands and they go so horribly wrong, till I don’t want to look at them anymore. What was once beautiful is now destroyed. Crap!!!

Thoughtful post at the law library

Have been procrastinating for the past few minutes and surfing blog pages I don’t regularly visit in the meantime. Yeah I’m chilling out in the empty space with tables underneath the law library, where I have a very nice view of the passerbys beneath and tree-lined law lawn, and as well as the car park.

Yes, I have to admit for the past few days I have been feeling increasingly emotional (since when have I ever been feeling ‘decreasingly emotional’ – that’ll be a pretty ‘Un-Esther’ emotion to feel) but I’m digressing, when thinking about certain things. Namely Bs. Yeah.

I thought when the semester began it would be soon before I got caught up in the whole bustle of academic life, and yes, I am enjoying it! That, and having the freedom to enjoy things which I otherwise wouldn’t have the chance to enjoy were I still hanging out with OCFers. But me being the globe-drifting, happy while looking for a purpose woman-girl is still living somewhere up there in the clouds.

Which recently, I have realised doesn’t necessarily mean I’m being unrealistic. Because I could have a lot of faith…well, lately have been having the revelation that a certain few of my friends are a. newly attached b. engaged! woohoo!!! or c. looking into being in the a. category. haha while I am still the same, available. =P Brings to mind the song “everything’s changing now…”

and maybe it’s different when you’re 18, or 19, then when the time comes you’re turning 21, 22…the wheels spin so fast you don’t realise you’re passing that mark or threshold as nothing marks the ‘turning points’ if you don’t celebrate your birthday.

And then somewhere along that whirlwind pace of life where you fly between countries back and forth so fast you can’t register the memories… life goes by and you’re still the same. What happened in between, many opportunities you didn’t sieze, times you didn’t rise to the occasion? I don’t want this blog to be a commemoration of things I didn’t do and times I never made myself accountable to God.

I don’t want to die when I’m 80 and see my family and friends unsaved still. I don’t want to walk by people and situations and feel my life and efforts have been futile. I don’t want to waste this opportunity I have been given on earth.

But you and I know my heart has been hurt and blistered by so many heated situations I have been through, and it is such a sad, devastating, difficult and self-deprecating experience to open myself to be hurt by the memories of those years. Yes I am talking about that sickness. I’m talking about the times I spent back in M.C. believing in a God who had no power to change my life, no power to take mountains away, a God who had no power to heal me.

Screw it, how I wasted my life, the past many many years. How I flitted through my Singapore life, being the priveleged, upper middle class kid. Who had things going her way, had life easy and thus was throughly spoiled. Who thought the whole world was in love with her. And strangely enough, also believed -unjustifiably- in the negative self-image she had that perpetuated her whole world. And made it so bleak it could only be brightened by the sunshine, temporarily of the always fickle and undependable opposite sex.

Perhaps, it was her mindsets. Perhaps, it was because she never had revelation from the Savior of her soul during those powerless months. Being crushed by the weight of the world. Which she is struggling so hard to get out of now. And believes one day she will be out of there, free and weightless in eyes of the world. After all, dreams are placed in our hearts, minds, visions for a purpose…to come true one day. =) And I believe that with all my heart.

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In honor of those good days

What I miss about JC: the humility of people with big brains and sympathetic hearts.

visit “here” (hwa chong)

“Everytime we expand our horizons, we learn something new.”

“Hwa Chong has a no-blame culture & a can-do mindset”

-Mr Ang Wee Kheong

What we had then, is already gone. Time to work on what is here today. Rather than always looking back to what was. Thank God for those times and move on.

Yes, I am less idealistic and more material wanting.

Probably the alumni are the richest around now, still sound like the students they were in the JC days.

It was a place of innocence, of love, of friendship. I never knew how I’d miss those JC days; that I’d dream about them in 128 bit color and surround sound. It was a place of peace, and of rest. At least, temporarily. Until the reality of streams by ‘A’ level results entered the picture.

It was then that we moved on. Shed maybe a crystal tear or two, genuinely repented, and moved on. Moved on on that understanding that life is meant to be lived for the high achievers.

What happens to the rest of us that are normal. A stream of consciousness entered my thoughts and that is what this blog today is.

I have never been in such a ‘utopia’ before. It’s really heaven. I never thought I’d miss it, till I left it. It’s the place that has ursurped so many hours of my life, through friendships formed, band practice, jogs. And yet has given so much back; taught me to study and value sound advice.

“dan chun” – from the small village. Yet they are able to engage in commerce and politics so well, adapting, moulding to the environment. What will we be like in 20 years? Life is but a breath. We grow old, and then we die. Before that, we build our empires, environments, that we laugh, sneeze and build our families in. All in a semblance of imagined, fragile security.

Security that could go any moment, given that what if we die. What if we cast off our bodies of this world, and journey to the next where we are not met with train tickets for the long journey because there is no one to prepare them for us anyway. Because what we do on this earth cannot be transferred to the underworld; resistance is futile.

What if, what if. What if I had bought that Sony watch. The cheap one – 1 imitation for $10. Imitation is limitation. He might as well have said ‘1 limitation for $10′. I wouldn’t have known the difference.

Cynicism, fresh breath of creativity. In honor of those good, old days.