wayward wanderer

What do I do when I feel inadequate?

What do I do when I feel insecure?? When people’s giftings seem bigger than mine… that part I don’t mind… but when people don’t seem to care…? When my heart is empty, no conviction?

Maybe that’s why God makes our bodies capable of running, running, running away from the crowd, jeers, people who can give so much joy but also suffocate so unknowingly… I want to run away. Somewhere with fresh air, clean sand, and just be. Like be myself, be by myself but surrounded by society, life. I want to be somewhere I imagine in my mind…

I really really really feel like a lost sheep now. Thank God I figured out that structure was what was wrong with my draft outline – literature review and managed to look at thesis sentences and figure out that way.

PlanetUNI camp was big, awesome to see so many people there who I had never seen before. The church is growingin amazing ways. God met with me there, haven’t really figured out what I’ve gotten from it (yet). Will blog about it next time.

This is so bad, but sometimes I wonder: why bother? Why talk to people? In the time it takes me to get to know them, they’ll be gone for so much longer. Ps Russell’s message on continuing to live with an open heart… been hurt before? Welcome to reality! I know I have that burried somewhere in me am not (yet!) willing to deal with.

At dinner last night it was with people I knew but a bunch of strangers, melding in and out of my life, who were closer than I knew yet I don’t bother to want to get to know. They are from penninsula above my beloved-red-dot but yet miles different. Character, attitudes, outlook. Simple defining words that encapsulate a world within their 3 syllable borders. Things which would take 10 books to define. Yet strategically important…I really don’t think I could live without human touch, human encounter.

I used to be able to say things forthrightly to anyone I encountered, just tell-it and…be happy in who I was. But after meeting people who give all these hurts, scars, un-acknowledgement, ignorant, non-compliant attitudes…and who the sun still shines on and are so materially well off… I know life isn’t fair. Used to have a resigned attitude – and I was so happy – because I enjoyed what was small but free and now I’m just trapped along with the rest of the cynical, unhappy world.

Have things in my life I am just wondering about. I went out to dinner with a girl I’ve been inviting to church and her friends. Conversation over dinner was about celebrities, getting drunk, opposite sex, broken marriages, disbelief in marriage, being polygamous, freedom, getting smashed, partying, brashly spending money, divorce, making an impression, fashion world, being witty, callously funny, drinking… what the heck happened to my innocent life? And I ended up fainting from the wine I drank (note: I am a terrible drinker) and feeling shitty the rest of the night.

Do I want to work in an industry where this is how people get the next contact, high, job opportunity… You know they’re incredibly nice people though. They are real, care and have more experience than the usual highly petted, spoiled, naive, worry-about-getting-bad-grades bunch of overseas students I usually meet.

Haha I’m reading back on what I wrote and this is such. an. emo. post. It’s exactly how I feel right now.

Since I’m on this subject: I dislike older men, especially those who are working. They have so much (muscular and monetary) power and don’t hesitate to wield it. (What if they yield it the wrong way?) They look at you and you know what they’re thinking. And it scares me because I don’t know how to respond. Please, I don’t want to go out with you, go on a date or whatever.

I ate at lazzat for lunch and universal pizza for dinner. I’ve assignments due tomorrow, friday, and on thursday I’m meeting my teacher to discuss content for presentation in a month. Wednesday there is urbanlife. (yay!) I so seriously need. to. go. for. a run. Aside from affecting my physical life it is making me 200% more grump.
F is leaving to go back to Singapore. Boo-hoo… Mrs Lim I will miss your company, forthright comments, caring spirit. More to say in next post.

people are all the same

This is not some conspiracy theory webpage…hello I’m Esther :p. However, I had an incredibly spine-tingling, hair-raising conversation with my housemate on the book of Revelation, and the end of the world. Well the main insight I gleaned from this:

• the big bird john was talking about could have been aeroplanes
• microchips are being developed: the best places for them are in the hand and the forehead. Moreover when the battery of these leak, boils erupt. This is a multi-million dollar project currently ongoing between Australian Uni & U.S. Uni.

I faced up to the calling to the poor, needy and those on the fringes of society. I was walking to Laguna and passed the homeless man with ‘1 or 2 gold coins’ sign. I walked past like the stuck-up Asian. Then I felt God drawing me, if it were Jesus, what would He have done? By walking by so hard-heartedly it just hardens that homeless man’s heart more toward mankind, the gospel. I don’t think Jesus would have gone by and done nothing, He was a man of action, and He would have done something.

Moreover my quiet time this morning was from “drawing near” written by John Bevere (he’s an awesome author, so Spirit led) this book was talking about Christians who do not know truly what the term “worship” means. It is not a quiet song, singing songs to God or appearing ‘Christian-like’…God says that is fake and we are trying to draw near to Him on the basis of our goodness, rather than accepting His mercy toward us which we are unable to earn ourselves. (verse)

It was talking about Christians who sing praises, and lift their arms and however that is not pleasing to God if the lifestyle reeks of sin. God is disgusted by worship that is not according to his instruction in the Word.

As I was walking to Laguna, God began to convict me of His Word. You see, when one has encountered, has tasted God one cannot deny it.

“If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person?” -1John 3:17, New Living Translation

“Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.” – 1 John 3:18

For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.

And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’

Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’ -Matthew 25:34-45, abridged version

Here was me, the well-fed International student how could I walk past the homeless man with a hardened heart? Jesus specifically cautions against hardening heart… I couldn’t jump, shout and cheer in church with a clear conscience if I did not put my faith into action, in this case meant talking to this man like any other, and giving him food to eat, from the budget I had.

In laguna I got him some gummy’s (everyone likes to feel like a child again) and paid for the groceries I got. I was still 30 mins early to meet A. Went back, and God gave me the peace and confidence to go up to Him, ask how he was and say I got something for him from the supermart. I gave him 5 dollars.

I know some might say he deserves the place in society, he’s just lazy and not working. Well I used to think that way till God changed my mindset. We don’t deserve anything He did for us either… we are all sinners… if I don’t take this chance to reach out to him, will I ever get to again? Well he appreciated the chocolate biscuits very much and had a conversation about his day, which was “not too bad”, and my studies in university. When he shook my hand, murmuring “God bless you” and looked straight in my eyes…

Homeless people on the streets are just like you in God’s eyes.

Everyone has a facade on the outside; “don’t talk to me”, or harsh, “I don’t care”, but inside they are all broken. It takes someone different to reach beyond that facade and say “Hey I love you because Jesus died for my sins and I am set free, because He loves me.” =) People desperately need God. People are just like that without God, becacuse we are created to be made complete in God. It’s that simple. Without God, man is incomplete.

This verse also convicts me.

“If there is a poor man among you, one of your brothers, in any of the towns of the land which the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart, nor close your hand to your poor brother; but you shall freely open your hand to him, and generously lend him sufficient for his need in whatever he lacks.” -Deut 15:17

How could I walk away and say I am worthy to come into God’s presence? And expect Him to draw near to me, and bless me? If I cannot clothe the brother in need?

Everyone wants the same things as we are human. I am so glad that God put me up to this. And I am able to see man in the way He sees them, which is full of potential and in the image of their maker. Don’t see people for what they are now, but what they can become.

http://www.zompist.com/meetthepoor.html This is an excellent site to visit on God’s words on the poor, btw.

I do this because out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. It is written in Matthew 12:34.

And another noteworthy thing is what Ps Matt said, which I think is so true: A misconception is that SIN means you are a bad person; it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, SIN means seperated from God. Sincerely, God doesn’t hate sinners, He cannot be together with them because Sin is bad and God is good, bad and good cannot exist together.

But God sent Jesus who put to death sin by His death on the cross, and we are now able to fellowship with God if we accept His Son as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins.

I had an excellent lunch & exercise. The salad-pasta thingy in Flinders lane is really quite yummy. Then A and I went around city looking for converse shoes (ai, someone is more concerned about how he looks eh! :p) to buy an ink cartridge and ran…a lot. Actually was good, hadn’t exercised in a.g.e.s. It is awesome to hear of the good works God is performing in OCF and had inspired conversation. God restored my faith in men-kind through occurrences today. I am just so excited, inspired to see what Jesus has in store for my life.

Had to make phone calls today, 1 was an extremely difficult one, 2 were ookay. What happens determines how right my heart is with God. But He’s stretching me in such ways. I am being challenged everyday. My character is being moulded… I love u Lord… sincerely…

Tonight will I have a jam-packed schedule of reading for issues in linguistics class, reading for literature review, reading for research methods assignment, reading, reading, reading, reeeedin, reedinng… redddding..

J I recieved the belated birthday Corrine May CD – listening to it now, thanks!! Love it! =) It made my day to recieve a package from Singapore…

so far from you, God

Man I just want to say something. I don’t know when I’ve missed out. So considerate, so loving…but maybe I’m just seeing what I want to see, not to mention in the midst of the desert season. But he has good character, comparatively there’s no denying that.

Yes I just read an email he wrote. But it brought back memories of past emails and emotions associated with them. Of the things I believed then in my teenage soul.

Today I was struggling with this physical apathy, spiritual lethargy. Because face it, I just don’t feel like talking to God. Probably because I did something wrong (what’s new?). It’s my whole thing about being treated bad, and when I’m treated good, or loved, I don’t even know it. Why? Because I have so much anger within I’m always inadvertedly hating myself.

Like Christine Caine said in Sunday’s sermon…most of us christians do love our neighbour as we love ourselves – the second greatest commandment – but we just don’t love ourselves that much. Why do I hate myself? Because I am with myself, and my inmost thoughts 24 hours of the day?

What did I accomplish today? Besides having sinned greatly in the past 24 hours, sitting here in my room, facing the newly decorated wall with photos of joyful times in my life, listening to the soft croons of Corrine Bailey Rae, thinking of times past.

I know I need God to touch my life but I’ve tried distractedly, broken-heartedly, lethargically, defeatedly, already rejected before trying-ly, and I don’t know how to get past this barrier. Blast. Okay. I’ll be completely honest here. A lot of times I struggle with believing God to provide and that gives the door for a lot of my sins committed. Desperate, because I don’t believe He is enough for me. So I take things into my own hands and they go so horribly wrong, till I don’t want to look at them anymore. What was once beautiful is now destroyed. Crap!!!

only Yooou :)

I can’t take Melbourne’s weather sometimes… just last week, the mornings were cold I was wearing thermal on both t-shirt and pants. This week, temperatures soar to 32 degrees. Air doesn’t move, it is like a desert out here.

God has been showing me to rely on Him. He will guide me through my time organization, my work skills, all this. Was rushing through my overloaded brain, and too much information flew by at breakneck speed for me to process it.

I was pretty worried because I had to do the data collection in three weeks, had no idea what to do…well God knows what I need even before I ask for it, because he provided for me
Even I did not have the faith to see God moving this “mountain of ignorance” for me (logic against faith), His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

N. agreed to the change in topic and the data collection was also pushed to the end of the semester!

Allowing me to do a literature review before jumping into anything.

I hate it when I’m in Melbourne and have to be dependent on males for some things e.g. to walk me home at night…its simply not safe for my heart.