wayward wanderer

What do I do when I feel inadequate?

What do I do when I feel insecure?? When people’s giftings seem bigger than mine… that part I don’t mind… but when people don’t seem to care…? When my heart is empty, no conviction?

Maybe that’s why God makes our bodies capable of running, running, running away from the crowd, jeers, people who can give so much joy but also suffocate so unknowingly… I want to run away. Somewhere with fresh air, clean sand, and just be. Like be myself, be by myself but surrounded by society, life. I want to be somewhere I imagine in my mind…

I really really really feel like a lost sheep now. Thank God I figured out that structure was what was wrong with my draft outline – literature review and managed to look at thesis sentences and figure out that way.

PlanetUNI camp was big, awesome to see so many people there who I had never seen before. The church is growingin amazing ways. God met with me there, haven’t really figured out what I’ve gotten from it (yet). Will blog about it next time.

This is so bad, but sometimes I wonder: why bother? Why talk to people? In the time it takes me to get to know them, they’ll be gone for so much longer. Ps Russell’s message on continuing to live with an open heart… been hurt before? Welcome to reality! I know I have that burried somewhere in me am not (yet!) willing to deal with.

At dinner last night it was with people I knew but a bunch of strangers, melding in and out of my life, who were closer than I knew yet I don’t bother to want to get to know. They are from penninsula above my beloved-red-dot but yet miles different. Character, attitudes, outlook. Simple defining words that encapsulate a world within their 3 syllable borders. Things which would take 10 books to define. Yet strategically important…I really don’t think I could live without human touch, human encounter.

I used to be able to say things forthrightly to anyone I encountered, just tell-it and…be happy in who I was. But after meeting people who give all these hurts, scars, un-acknowledgement, ignorant, non-compliant attitudes…and who the sun still shines on and are so materially well off… I know life isn’t fair. Used to have a resigned attitude – and I was so happy – because I enjoyed what was small but free and now I’m just trapped along with the rest of the cynical, unhappy world.

Have things in my life I am just wondering about. I went out to dinner with a girl I’ve been inviting to church and her friends. Conversation over dinner was about celebrities, getting drunk, opposite sex, broken marriages, disbelief in marriage, being polygamous, freedom, getting smashed, partying, brashly spending money, divorce, making an impression, fashion world, being witty, callously funny, drinking… what the heck happened to my innocent life? And I ended up fainting from the wine I drank (note: I am a terrible drinker) and feeling shitty the rest of the night.

Do I want to work in an industry where this is how people get the next contact, high, job opportunity… You know they’re incredibly nice people though. They are real, care and have more experience than the usual highly petted, spoiled, naive, worry-about-getting-bad-grades bunch of overseas students I usually meet.

Haha I’m reading back on what I wrote and this is such. an. emo. post. It’s exactly how I feel right now.

Since I’m on this subject: I dislike older men, especially those who are working. They have so much (muscular and monetary) power and don’t hesitate to wield it. (What if they yield it the wrong way?) They look at you and you know what they’re thinking. And it scares me because I don’t know how to respond. Please, I don’t want to go out with you, go on a date or whatever.

I ate at lazzat for lunch and universal pizza for dinner. I’ve assignments due tomorrow, friday, and on thursday I’m meeting my teacher to discuss content for presentation in a month. Wednesday there is urbanlife. (yay!) I so seriously need. to. go. for. a run. Aside from affecting my physical life it is making me 200% more grump.
F is leaving to go back to Singapore. Boo-hoo… Mrs Lim I will miss your company, forthright comments, caring spirit. More to say in next post.

people are all the same

This is not some conspiracy theory webpage…hello I’m Esther :p. However, I had an incredibly spine-tingling, hair-raising conversation with my housemate on the book of Revelation, and the end of the world. Well the main insight I gleaned from this:

• the big bird john was talking about could have been aeroplanes
• microchips are being developed: the best places for them are in the hand and the forehead. Moreover when the battery of these leak, boils erupt. This is a multi-million dollar project currently ongoing between Australian Uni & U.S. Uni.

I faced up to the calling to the poor, needy and those on the fringes of society. I was walking to Laguna and passed the homeless man with ‘1 or 2 gold coins’ sign. I walked past like the stuck-up Asian. Then I felt God drawing me, if it were Jesus, what would He have done? By walking by so hard-heartedly it just hardens that homeless man’s heart more toward mankind, the gospel. I don’t think Jesus would have gone by and done nothing, He was a man of action, and He would have done something.

Moreover my quiet time this morning was from “drawing near” written by John Bevere (he’s an awesome author, so Spirit led) this book was talking about Christians who do not know truly what the term “worship” means. It is not a quiet song, singing songs to God or appearing ‘Christian-like’…God says that is fake and we are trying to draw near to Him on the basis of our goodness, rather than accepting His mercy toward us which we are unable to earn ourselves. (verse)

It was talking about Christians who sing praises, and lift their arms and however that is not pleasing to God if the lifestyle reeks of sin. God is disgusted by worship that is not according to his instruction in the Word.

As I was walking to Laguna, God began to convict me of His Word. You see, when one has encountered, has tasted God one cannot deny it.

“If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person?” -1John 3:17, New Living Translation

“Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.” – 1 John 3:18

For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.

And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’

Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’ -Matthew 25:34-45, abridged version

Here was me, the well-fed International student how could I walk past the homeless man with a hardened heart? Jesus specifically cautions against hardening heart… I couldn’t jump, shout and cheer in church with a clear conscience if I did not put my faith into action, in this case meant talking to this man like any other, and giving him food to eat, from the budget I had.

In laguna I got him some gummy’s (everyone likes to feel like a child again) and paid for the groceries I got. I was still 30 mins early to meet A. Went back, and God gave me the peace and confidence to go up to Him, ask how he was and say I got something for him from the supermart. I gave him 5 dollars.

I know some might say he deserves the place in society, he’s just lazy and not working. Well I used to think that way till God changed my mindset. We don’t deserve anything He did for us either… we are all sinners… if I don’t take this chance to reach out to him, will I ever get to again? Well he appreciated the chocolate biscuits very much and had a conversation about his day, which was “not too bad”, and my studies in university. When he shook my hand, murmuring “God bless you” and looked straight in my eyes…

Homeless people on the streets are just like you in God’s eyes.

Everyone has a facade on the outside; “don’t talk to me”, or harsh, “I don’t care”, but inside they are all broken. It takes someone different to reach beyond that facade and say “Hey I love you because Jesus died for my sins and I am set free, because He loves me.” =) People desperately need God. People are just like that without God, becacuse we are created to be made complete in God. It’s that simple. Without God, man is incomplete.

This verse also convicts me.

“If there is a poor man among you, one of your brothers, in any of the towns of the land which the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart, nor close your hand to your poor brother; but you shall freely open your hand to him, and generously lend him sufficient for his need in whatever he lacks.” -Deut 15:17

How could I walk away and say I am worthy to come into God’s presence? And expect Him to draw near to me, and bless me? If I cannot clothe the brother in need?

Everyone wants the same things as we are human. I am so glad that God put me up to this. And I am able to see man in the way He sees them, which is full of potential and in the image of their maker. Don’t see people for what they are now, but what they can become.

http://www.zompist.com/meetthepoor.html This is an excellent site to visit on God’s words on the poor, btw.

I do this because out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. It is written in Matthew 12:34.

And another noteworthy thing is what Ps Matt said, which I think is so true: A misconception is that SIN means you are a bad person; it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, SIN means seperated from God. Sincerely, God doesn’t hate sinners, He cannot be together with them because Sin is bad and God is good, bad and good cannot exist together.

But God sent Jesus who put to death sin by His death on the cross, and we are now able to fellowship with God if we accept His Son as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins.

I had an excellent lunch & exercise. The salad-pasta thingy in Flinders lane is really quite yummy. Then A and I went around city looking for converse shoes (ai, someone is more concerned about how he looks eh! :p) to buy an ink cartridge and ran…a lot. Actually was good, hadn’t exercised in a.g.e.s. It is awesome to hear of the good works God is performing in OCF and had inspired conversation. God restored my faith in men-kind through occurrences today. I am just so excited, inspired to see what Jesus has in store for my life.

Had to make phone calls today, 1 was an extremely difficult one, 2 were ookay. What happens determines how right my heart is with God. But He’s stretching me in such ways. I am being challenged everyday. My character is being moulded… I love u Lord… sincerely…

Tonight will I have a jam-packed schedule of reading for issues in linguistics class, reading for literature review, reading for research methods assignment, reading, reading, reading, reeeedin, reedinng… redddding..

J I recieved the belated birthday Corrine May CD – listening to it now, thanks!! Love it! =) It made my day to recieve a package from Singapore…

restoration

The 23^rd Psalm

The Lord is my pace setter I shall not rush

He makes me stop for quiet intervals

He provides me with images of stillness which restore my serenity

He leads me in the ways of efficiency through calmness of mind

And his guidance is peace.

Even though I have a great many things to

Accomplish each day I will not fret for His Presence is here

His timelessness, His all importance will keep me in balance.

He prepares refreshment and renewal in the midst of my activity.

By anointing my mind with His oils of tranquility,

My cup of joyous energy overflows.

Truly harmony and effectiveness shall be the fruits of my hours,

For I shall walk in the pace of my Lord and dwell in His house forever.

Somehow the colour didn’t work in getting transferred from my word document…I’m really getting stressed out and tired from this honors work. It’s tireless, and little rewarding because there’s no one who tells you ‘well done’ just work and work.

I want to go to India, go to China…one day come on!!!

I’m reaaaaaaaally very bored. And I don’t want to read any articles any more. Hmm..

Freaky Friday

Another example of why Australians are too well off and have too much money to spend on drugs and booze. Not to mention alcoholism and smoking, and personal welfare aka. “my rights” in this context. Yes they (westerners) think they have done a lot for the world but at what cost?

I agree the Australians have an excellent way of approaching logic, reason, academia however they can tend to abuse it by virtue of the way they approach situations. Again I cannot stereyotype…

yhm. I’m so sick of doing this, I’ve a second draft of project outline due sometime later today. Which requires logical thinking of a critical nature I am not sure I’m capable of producing at the moment. AGGggg. Incoherence…bewilderment…I wish my brain could just shut down and stop flitting around for a few moments. I wish I had 48 hours in a day. Aka the day was twice as long. Or that I could move, think, write, read, eat at twice the speed.

I can’t do university through my own strength. =x Help me out here.

My day, my past & why God still moves me

Okay so I came home, my table, room and cupboard were super messy and I had not emailed to my supervisor what I hoped to. Class this morning was really mentally tiring. I don’t know how to discuss Chomsky related stuff for 4 hours… plus its very difficult communicating with people in a different culture and with different ‘norms’ for communication from yours. They probably think I’m very weird different. But that’s what I’ve to get past, living under people’s conceptions of me. I want to be free!

Think of all the things I’ve been bogged down with lately, and while they are completely justified, I also wonder how I am to climb out of this. Then I went for a lovely gelati with M and had an in-depth conversation about what, Christians and sex. A somewhat heavy topic, very confronting. And my stand, what do I do?

Talked about vulnerability and being feminine, what is relevant to me is how Singapore women in particular tend to want to be the man achieve past their supportive role. And I see now how, many times in my life, I have not allowed man as a collective to step take their place in my life. My twisted, convoluted character kept me bound, hindered me from growing. Which is what I have to submit to God. Now I know I am in a ‘desert period’, where I simply am learning to count the cost, what is important. How important is God to me, what is sin??

But you know God is also telling me another thing. Here is goes, no more safety net girl. Stop building yourself into safety routines, comfortablity before I dare to pursue what God wants of me. An example is when I am choosing a career, I have so many backups, qualifications to be a music teacher, to be a primary or secondary school teacher, just in case I can’t find a job I rebuke that in Jesus’ name! For all good things come from him, and he cares for me more than I can ever know. I put all these backup plans before I dare to step out, do what God has called me into, uncertain territory. But there is where I can learn to put my trust in Him! Plus, I waste so much time on crafting my backup plan.

I just love the lyrics to this song:

Here it goes… I’m letting go…
of all that’s weighing me down.
More of you, less of me,
that’s the way it should be.
Now I look to You,
and not to this world…
I am found in You,
and You are found in me

You’re the center of my everything,
you’re the rock on which I stand,
my foundation, is you JESUS…
I’m holding onto you 4eva!

God you are the most macho person I have ever dated. In this context to clarify means spending intense time with and committing emotions to. Everyday with you, just makes my knees shiver. =)

Woo hoo!!! Life is just getting better… and better =) and planetUni camp is coming up! Very excited!!!

so far from you, God

Man I just want to say something. I don’t know when I’ve missed out. So considerate, so loving…but maybe I’m just seeing what I want to see, not to mention in the midst of the desert season. But he has good character, comparatively there’s no denying that.

Yes I just read an email he wrote. But it brought back memories of past emails and emotions associated with them. Of the things I believed then in my teenage soul.

Today I was struggling with this physical apathy, spiritual lethargy. Because face it, I just don’t feel like talking to God. Probably because I did something wrong (what’s new?). It’s my whole thing about being treated bad, and when I’m treated good, or loved, I don’t even know it. Why? Because I have so much anger within I’m always inadvertedly hating myself.

Like Christine Caine said in Sunday’s sermon…most of us christians do love our neighbour as we love ourselves – the second greatest commandment – but we just don’t love ourselves that much. Why do I hate myself? Because I am with myself, and my inmost thoughts 24 hours of the day?

What did I accomplish today? Besides having sinned greatly in the past 24 hours, sitting here in my room, facing the newly decorated wall with photos of joyful times in my life, listening to the soft croons of Corrine Bailey Rae, thinking of times past.

I know I need God to touch my life but I’ve tried distractedly, broken-heartedly, lethargically, defeatedly, already rejected before trying-ly, and I don’t know how to get past this barrier. Blast. Okay. I’ll be completely honest here. A lot of times I struggle with believing God to provide and that gives the door for a lot of my sins committed. Desperate, because I don’t believe He is enough for me. So I take things into my own hands and they go so horribly wrong, till I don’t want to look at them anymore. What was once beautiful is now destroyed. Crap!!!

Seriously the last time I checked with myself, it was over. I thought I didn’t feel anything anymore. Even went through the obligatory period of avoiding all guys and hating mankind for about 2 months. Swore I’d be a nun till I was 30. At least until “the One” came by.

So, why are you back, hun? Maybe because once again, I’m meditating on memories of times past. What I thought I couldn’t have then and then brought back again, to smooth out, dream on, and hanker after. Why is it always the things we can’t have, or that will be dangerous to us we most think about, lamenting it’s loss, not realising we didn’t have it anyway? When we could be focusing on things so much more happy, whimsical, what we do have and can enjoy now?

Yes I am dreaming, thinking, hoping to be alive. But that’s better than gritting my teeth, and be resigned to copying others and contemplating life from behind emotionless, white, dry, pages, isn’t it? That’s better than going to church on Sunday and shouting and then living a life that doesn’t shine for the rest of the week. Better than not knowing what my heart feels, what it really wants, when all along, all it desires – just like all the rest of the human hearts – is love.  To love, and be loved. And God’s all encompassing, immesurable, #1 brand, best quality, tug at my heart and lead it on LOVE. Awesome love =)

Thoughtful post at the law library

Have been procrastinating for the past few minutes and surfing blog pages I don’t regularly visit in the meantime. Yeah I’m chilling out in the empty space with tables underneath the law library, where I have a very nice view of the passerbys beneath and tree-lined law lawn, and as well as the car park.

Yes, I have to admit for the past few days I have been feeling increasingly emotional (since when have I ever been feeling ‘decreasingly emotional’ – that’ll be a pretty ‘Un-Esther’ emotion to feel) but I’m digressing, when thinking about certain things. Namely Bs. Yeah.

I thought when the semester began it would be soon before I got caught up in the whole bustle of academic life, and yes, I am enjoying it! That, and having the freedom to enjoy things which I otherwise wouldn’t have the chance to enjoy were I still hanging out with OCFers. But me being the globe-drifting, happy while looking for a purpose woman-girl is still living somewhere up there in the clouds.

Which recently, I have realised doesn’t necessarily mean I’m being unrealistic. Because I could have a lot of faith…well, lately have been having the revelation that a certain few of my friends are a. newly attached b. engaged! woohoo!!! or c. looking into being in the a. category. haha while I am still the same, available. =P Brings to mind the song “everything’s changing now…”

and maybe it’s different when you’re 18, or 19, then when the time comes you’re turning 21, 22…the wheels spin so fast you don’t realise you’re passing that mark or threshold as nothing marks the ‘turning points’ if you don’t celebrate your birthday.

And then somewhere along that whirlwind pace of life where you fly between countries back and forth so fast you can’t register the memories… life goes by and you’re still the same. What happened in between, many opportunities you didn’t sieze, times you didn’t rise to the occasion? I don’t want this blog to be a commemoration of things I didn’t do and times I never made myself accountable to God.

I don’t want to die when I’m 80 and see my family and friends unsaved still. I don’t want to walk by people and situations and feel my life and efforts have been futile. I don’t want to waste this opportunity I have been given on earth.

But you and I know my heart has been hurt and blistered by so many heated situations I have been through, and it is such a sad, devastating, difficult and self-deprecating experience to open myself to be hurt by the memories of those years. Yes I am talking about that sickness. I’m talking about the times I spent back in M.C. believing in a God who had no power to change my life, no power to take mountains away, a God who had no power to heal me.

Screw it, how I wasted my life, the past many many years. How I flitted through my Singapore life, being the priveleged, upper middle class kid. Who had things going her way, had life easy and thus was throughly spoiled. Who thought the whole world was in love with her. And strangely enough, also believed -unjustifiably- in the negative self-image she had that perpetuated her whole world. And made it so bleak it could only be brightened by the sunshine, temporarily of the always fickle and undependable opposite sex.

Perhaps, it was her mindsets. Perhaps, it was because she never had revelation from the Savior of her soul during those powerless months. Being crushed by the weight of the world. Which she is struggling so hard to get out of now. And believes one day she will be out of there, free and weightless in eyes of the world. After all, dreams are placed in our hearts, minds, visions for a purpose…to come true one day. =) And I believe that with all my heart.