Ice-cream in the sweltering heat

The weather today was warm, summery and if butterflies could fly in melbourne, full of them. It was totally, completely unlike any other day we had experienced here for quite a while. Being able to walk around freely in t-shirt and bermudas, with a warm breeze fingering one’s hair, and warm sun oozing on one’s arm pores was such a delightful feeling.
I was groping around in my memory for term to describe it, the most realistic (the nearest) I came up with was “like Singapore”. Explains my diasporic mindset, when having left the home country which I obviously still hanker for and pledge loyalty to, hot summer days in Melbourne become “somewhat Singaporean”. =p In certain ways, they really are! what I know is that my wardrobe is more suited to this weather change. Yay, lots more outfits I can wear now…Singaporean style =p
Am so happy I have handed in my assignment. Am able to take a break, at least not study at such break-neck speed…for a while…

I always wonder how colonialists must have looked and felt, I think I somewhat know now. Like humans, only their skin colour was different. THinking through and examining the differences between races, and I can’t give a conclusive explanation for why certain races acted the way they did, in history. Perhaps people without a leading of God act inhumanely, some races with more defined, outstanding, features than others. And this is what led to the world we have now.

The weather was 28 degrees and the ice-cream shop was bursting. I went to school, handed in my second language learning and teaching assignment, went to work and sat on a chair outside one of the linguistic’s lecturer’s offices and pored over my literature text for a good 30 minutes. I also went jogging this morning – for the first time in ages. All that puffing and panting made me feel reaaaallly good Wow I love the weather today man, awesome

The thing about working in an ice-cream place is; when you put the ice-cream onto the cone, customers take that as some sort of skill (I think). And the thing is, when you don’t manage to balance the spherical scoop of ice-cream smack in the center of the cone – this is especially difficult when it is a waffle cone you are talking about, it doesn’t have a smooth shape – customers give you some sort of dissatisfied snortle. If it’s an aussie guy who is less particular about how exactly his ice-cream is served to him it is still semi-all right to not achieve the perfect sphere of balance.

But I only hit that like once in 5 ice-creams. So the other times I get dirty looks from the customers (okay, possibly anyone think I could be over sensitive here in this area? ha.) So today I was serving this customer who also happened to be a former tute mate in linguistics. She gave me this super dirty, haughty and superior look “what are you doing to my ice-cream?”. She grasped the ice-cream in one hand, without looking at me recieved her 20 cents of change and left. Yeah, first because we’ve never acknowledged each other in tute you act so prima-donna like…

I find serving tute mates and lecture mates somewhat awkward. Some of them are nice, and talk to you, start a conversation about the topic or just smile (somewhat awkwardly, for the more “cool” ones). Others, like this one, I just grimmace. Grimmacing is something I do quite well, I think, the midst between a frown and a restrained smile…a simple facial action showing some sort of interaction (not an altogether enjoyable one, I take it).

The writing after empire lecture was potentially a boring one. Thankfully, I had done the reading and thus had some form of engagement with the lecturer. Also, the superb weather outside was enough of a boyant to keep my flagging spirits up for 1.5 hours of rhetoric and theory of, about, and regarding the representation of the subaltern in post-colonial writing..I’m really thankful I’m given this chance to study these sort of thing at university, but at 4.15 pm on a bright, cheery spring afternoon masquerading as one in summer, my neurons and synapses or whatever process writing ability in the brain were simply not functioning very well.

At 5.45 I was thankfully released into the blessed sunshine (or what remained of it) to walk merrily home, with a hop, a skip and a jump.

Am becoming increasingly addicted to Facebook. What I find most amusing are those “newsflash” kinds of things when you sign in, they update you as to who wrote what on whose wall. “sia, hot day ah” could be flashed as the latest hot news in 10 of your mutual friend’s facebook accounts. And what would they gain from that but to know your syntax of the English language isn’t that impressive? (I’m sorry, you can tell I’m not deliberately being mean yeah, I’m just providing myself some form of relief by writing on my blog in this deliberately-somewhat winding manner :p)

Misgivings

Had formerly realised what an utterly weak, shallow and insecure person I am. Was. We all are, at some point or other in time, aren’t we? (Come tell me if you’re not, I’ll give you a $50 prize =p). Re-reading back my words of Sunday night, I realise what an utterly crap job I did of writing a blog entry. (Hence, I am deleting it). Yah, tell the whole world about my insecurities and failure to cope with life, why don’t you. Might as well wave a red flag of surrender, while you’re at it.
But that was what I was doing, in effect what I was doing was I was telling the world, you can live without me, you can get along without me, now just come, and dig a hole in the ground, bury me in it, and move along. Move right along. Just a side show, I charge $75 admission – 2 times the price of Brooke Fraser concert tickets. That much should be what a life, turned inside-out, ignorant, fearful and trembling should be.
No, I am more than that. I am Esther. =) Waaah, that’s saying something. yes, it is because what it is saying is I am a daughter of the high King. No longer a living, walking mess of fear and worry.

What hit me was I am the constant in situations that can change. And be a highly volatile substance at that. Bout of melacholy and inspidness hit me the past few days, with hardly any incentive to start any kind of useful activity but to mope around, sit down, sulk, coop myself up in my room and hang around. What uneconomic worth I was! A burden on the God econonmy.
What got me reallllly pissed with my whole inspid persona (believe me, it isn’t fun living with a self who is a totally involed, absorbed actress who likes to indulge in fantasies of heavy moods that hang around me superimposed onto everyone else). What I make sound funny is really serious, sort of. Ok what got me really pissed with my inspid persona was the fact it doesn’t keep rooms tidy, hardly maintains the body as a temple of God, what with loving chocolate (endorphins?) and junk food, sleep and hibernating away from the sun..and so when my sunny self returns it inhabits this a little flabby, inspid, pale, messy, unkempt (oh have I said that already?) body in which the moody self was floundering. Sorry if I scared you with my split personality.

A rather more sombre or melacholy (again?) aspect to touch on, is my real-life relationship with people who exist in Melbourne with me. Currently, I have a total of less than 10 friends who aren’t either from church or from ocf. Hardly any of them are close at that. ….??!!$%% *to be continued in the the next blog entry…**

What random snippets of information circulate, weave in and out of, co-habitate with and influence each other in the rattling confines of my all-so-oiled mind:

• Firstly, perhaps, perhaps. I’m not as smart as I feel I most of the time am. (Maybe…maybe??)
  
• Secondly, the whimpery little girl likes to believe she is incapable of good cooking, and a peaceful existence.
  
• Thirdly, the weather helps lots!
• Fourthly, she misses her ever faithful, oh-so-dear Mummy, who is somewhere in the not-so-vast regions of Singapore.
  
• Fifthly, when believing in, and when running toward dreams, what one hankers after the most intensely is often, more than not, what you don’t want to get. Because it is harmful for you or you don’t need it. Flaw in logic there? No, I don’t think so just an experience tried and tested. Like stone-washed Levi’s jeans. A brand of wisdom that comes with experience. =p
  
• Sixthly, why then, do we humans try so hard to achieve and get what we do not have, at the expense of other relationships and events which could be soured? What masks of indifference do we all wear? I’d like to go into someone’s closet, and see all the paraphernelia they put on their personality, on their life, to make them look better than they actually do in real life.
  
• Seventh, last of all, life can be a little devoid of things to do if one doesn’t get on her own two feet and root out events happenign in the Melbourne winter.
  

Woke up at 11 today, and got into an utter panic when I realised I had not completed what I wanted to do in my report which is due tomorrow. So I spent lunch and dinner in my room, and went to church for a while. I think I appeared distracted (I was.)

Cycled to church a little later, and the weather was awesome. Melbourne is lovely when the sun is out. It’s like so beautiful being in it’s presence can make you forget about all the horrible, windy, blustery times it’s tormented you during the winter. Kind of.

assignments + good weather

So this is the part of my week. The half that I remmeber, anyway. =p

Thursday:
I had school, I had work, I figured out how to complete 2 assignments during the time periods of 2 tutorials. When will I learn not to schedule tutorials at the end of the week – you always get instructions for assignments last of the whole course.

Friday:
I met with Melody. This is one friend I haven’t met with in uber ages. It was good, we went to rice bar and gorged ourselves on fried noodles and fruit juices. Awesome, was the best man. Probably due to the time management problem. Then I sat there thinking to myself “I could so fall asleep, curled up in the stance of a cat, in this sun.”
Went to word bookstore where I gazed longingly at some plaques saying “slow down”. Thought to myself I didn’t need a plaque to tell me that in order for me to start doing it in my own life. *wry grin* Just think of me as a Super Mario’s character. Or I’m sonic the hedgehog. So, moving on…
Didn’t make it to ocf. Was somewhat disbelieving of my own decision on that.
A rushed day makes for littered thoughts. They just spill all over the place like litter, and then i waste a good portion of time trying to fit it back all in. Into my head, which seems waaay too small.
I wrote this on thursday:
I can’t believe my assignments are due in what seems like 4 days – way too short a time period. I should have learned by now. It seems I rarely do. It seems like a challenge to get them finished on time, but I will try my best.
Perhaps time to sit down, and reflect. Even my quiet time seems to be done in a rush. Will I learn the lesson quality cannot be rushed soon? Ever? Last night, I became pretty agitated with a person in particular. I think it was the first time I ever wanted to physically strangle somebody. Still don’t know what to do about that particular situation. Praying through it.
On tuesday, learned my shifts at the lolly store have been cut – Yay. That is definitely good for me because I need to spend waaay more time on my assignments.
My assignments. A heavy load on my mind. I’m sitting here surrounded by paper, yet again…where is my release? Will I make it to honors year? Will I live up to my duties as a daughter and produce proud parents? (This is deliberately satirical, for those of you who didn’t get it).
Just in case the world has thought I have died, I have not, I am very much here. The only thing that ceases to make my existence lovely is the dismal existence of 3 ASSIGNMENTS.
In my ideal world it stands that university students shouldn’t have to do assignments – give me exams anyday. :p perhaps I’ll be speaking/thinking different by the end of this year.
On another note, how great was the weather today?! Aussie weather is definitely looking up, yes. In a few weeks I’ll be able to go on the bike trails. (:
I don’t know what to do with my existence when the mistake is me.
Brooke Fraser performing tonight – how awesome, can’t wait!

normal day + happy birthday

What a bleary day I had. With my nose constantly dripping, and spending half of the day in a semi-flu-like state, I plodded around the university carrying with my defeated and stagnant thoughts. Well, what can I say I’m sick. And I’m taking a day off from work tomorrow, thank God. Tickets to the Brooke Fraser concert are sold out, I think the chances of getting any tickets to the concert for me and Kyle are remote, if any. Waa =(

Today, a comment was made, about learners of a second language not learning as much because they did not engage with the environment around them. I began to think: is that me? Partially true, I think. To have lived for 2/1/2 years in Melbourne, and I’m not comfortable in the culture. Perhaps it is different when people interact as friends

A happy belated 22nd goes out to my dear friend Serene, who is currently in her first month of work at HDB in Singapore. I first met her back in 1B2 in MGS secondary when we were immature enough to play pen-and-pencil games doodling on each other’s pristine white blouses. Call us childish or whatever, yes, we were actually drawing on each other’s blouses. Or rather, I was drawing on her blouse. Haha, I had taken to using for a drawing slate the uniform of the unfortunate girl who sat in front of me. Of course, in my innocence and hyperactivity I was not to know she would be incensed (haha. I bet she’s giggling or rolling her eyes here). So she christianed me irritating which grew to be her pet name for me throughout the secondary 1 year. She, of course, was “irritant”. Both should have applied to me, huh, but I insist she was equally as irritating. =p

Fortunate and unfortunate circumstances drew us apart and together, to two widly differing “villages” of junior college students till we came together again in the peaceful town of Melbourne. And she’s been my buddy for home-cooked dinners and japanese lunches, the place at which we ate always leaving us sticky with scents of salty, spicy sweet pickled aromas of fried udon. Also my best compatriot whom I talk on the phone to, discussing the things that make us girls. What matters to us. =) Avoiding being overly sentimental here, but I really do appreciate the times we talk, I do, Serene. haha. If people could eavesdrop on our conversations…
my interview subject, student DJ friend, provider of free BBQs at muoss events, fellow player of quiet board games like monopoly and, um, monopoly, attendee at min’s yearly birthday parties, the one who introduced me to ever favourite Meteor garden shows “zhi pa wo zhi ji hui ai shang ni…” , and generally the girl who I grew up with.

Hopefully, that gave you a bit of a glimpse of her life and the times we’ve spent together. It would take too long to type all occasions and events out, plus as well a good portion of them are “censored” , not for the public eye – =P

Have also been questioning my fluctuating standards of academic achievement, but I realise I just have to be consistent.

To air my melancholic aspect for a while: I simply detest walking around melbourne university feeling as if I have no friends. The air of disenchantment with individualism I thought had left me long ago has returned. But I shall save it for another day.

Quiet times in the Spirit

When Peter ’saw’ the waves and the wind and by taking his eyes off the LOrd, he became subject to the natural once more. While his focus was on the God of the supernatural, he had dominion over the natural; when his focus was on the natural, it had dominion over him. We need eyes of faith to believe what we have not yet seen.

Why should I ever feel alone when Jesus said; “I am with you always, even to the end of the age?” Matthew 28:20, and “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

One thing I have realised as an international student I have become very dependent on my computer for access to the rest of the world. This is perhaps because half, or even more, of the people I do know live in an area half-way (or less) around the world from me. There is no way I can access their lives, their hearts except by web-cam, prayer, or blogging. Oh yes, facebook and phonecalls help as well.

One thing I’ve been learning more and more this year is that words are just words, they can say one thing at a time, and then mean another totally. however, it is the attitude with which these words are spoken that changes things.

One thing I’ve realised is that it’s easy to read books, to go to motivational seminars, speak words about things which are going to happen in the future that I don’t even know anything about yet, and somehow, the most difficult thing seems to me to be putting it into practice in my life. In actuality when I try to live out what I stand for and believe in, that’s the most difficult. But I will not stand back, and be afraid to say something lest I be judged or belittled by someone – I will not be silent Because when you’re silent, your opinion isn’t heard.

And another thing I’ve learned through the course of living in Australia, amongst white-skinned people and the richer Singaporeans and Malaysians is that: not everyone is as nice and as unassuming as the people in hwa chong. Kind of an all encompassing label but I can’t think of any other way to describe them. Perhaps the less priveleged bunch of people in Singapore, for to whom enjoyment and luxury is a time out at the karaoke lounge, or playing street soccer, or at the beach. I don’t think I did an adequate job in describing it there. Probably you don’t really get what I’m talking about.

6.54 pm
I must believe people will come to Christ.. the lost will be welcomed home… God is doing so many things in my life. Where he is going – take me along with you God.

disclaimer

Okay: NOTE TO ANYONE WHO READS MY BLOG
I’m not that angsty as I sound on the blog. Only I tend to blog when I am very very emo and I don’t want to talk to anybody around me.
I have this false sense of security that if I type things to a faceless computer no one actually reads/sees/knows what I type while the egoist within me knows that people actually do, and they will. (paradox, I know).
I’m actually cool. really..
I’m getting comments like “are you all right?” and “what’s happening?” and “you sound emo-”, yeah, get with it. I AM emo. I’m an arts person. But I’m just very prone to hyper mood-swings and as such, the blog doesn’t reaaaaaly represent me.

happy (:

strength like no other
reaches to me.

At combined ocf prayer meeting last night, the worship was so awesome. When you open your heart to God, and want to follow Him, he takes you places you never dreamed you could go before. It doesn’t mean you have to give up what you like; I love music, I like dancing, I like singing, talking rubbish, fooling around, joking…being carefree. Well, I used to think I had to give up these things, enjoying chats with friends and all as it would distract me, pull me away from my calling in God. Well, I realise God doesn’t want me to be unhappy, all he desires is that I do what he asks.

Of course, I have to manage my time well as well. Not be overly flippant, and not overcommit. BUt God does give me a capacity for things that I enjoy and which make me soooooo happy (: Something that cell groups can not do for me yet, but if I persevere maybe it will..

Yeah, sure, I could get an office job when I graduate, and work hard in it, and make ends meet, and all…but my heart is for the worship, for adoration of the Almighty Creator. My heart is the one for the music.

Haven’t been completely honest with lots of people for a long time. Perhaps I’ve been completely honest with those whose care has been entrusted to me, or those I’m directly accountable to, and definitely to God, but I have been neglecting people around me.

I can’t do everything, but I’ve got to do something.

Pastor rob preached with this motto at DNA this week, and well,

I’ve learned to let go, and let God in terms of assignments
I’m opening my mind to the wonders of God’s creation more each day, and everytime I do it astounds me. The encounters and experiences I had with God in the times back in Mt Carmel were good, but what a diluted perspective I had of a powerless God back then. HE CREATED THE UNIVERSE, MAN. what can he not do?

ooh

I need you more than words can say
more and more each day

Life is becoming, more hectic. And influences everywhere, pop up…days pass by but I must cling on.

Was so tired after work; but that gives me more a reliance on God’s strength. I miss fellowshipping being with believers in a crowd. That love that envelops. But of course we have to use it to reach out to others.

Friends come, and friends go, but the word of the Lord stands forever. What a hectic 2 weekends these have been, with the cell retreat to the dandenongs, where we just got to breathe in the awesome, astounding goodness of God’s beauty…and then to the ocf fundraising ball, where well, just got to dance the night away. Awesome, amazing.

This week I was actually feeling kind of down, as school work seemed impossible, a mountain to conquer…relationships were askew, awry, ideals down, goals far from being fulfilled. But God came in and saved the day and turned everything around, when I focus on Him everything becomes right. Things fall into perspective, what was un-doable becomes doable, and you do all things through his strength. And you smile through the day .

He renews. He renews, he does so much more than that. He gives life, life for a new day, gives life to the full. Why wouldn’t you want to experience that? Give life with him a try, step out, see that the impossible can be done. Life life with Jesus.

Why wouldn’t I want to be, right where I am meant to be, here, right now. Some amazing coincidence of God happened today. He knew just what my heart needed. And I know God, you know just what I need each day. I am so blessed! Ah!