stress…

For the last few weeks it has just been books, books, books. Since when do I not have even enough time to serve God? Perhaps it was partly my crappy time management and sloth-iness that got me in this predicament (not predicate complement…ahh linguistics terms are swirling in my head lots still)…

you know, the goals (everyone has goals) and accomplishments I want to have (in line with His plan of course, not just things for my own benefit and ego)… they are not going to be accomplished if I just tackle everything with a lack of foresight. Which can be mixed-up with overenthusiasm.

I hate it when books start to pile up and certain things in life mean more to you then other things. And no matter how you run, or try to run away from them the things in your life which weigh you down still catch up, and chase you, and hunt you down, and massacre you, persecute you.

Is it true all trouble, and stress and pressure is relative? To a certain extent, yes. Like if you fail your ‘O’ levels or whatever exam you take to get out of high school, then what is the next alternative? sometimes I think asian kids have so much stress because their parents sacrifice so much for them. They want them to have a “better life than they had” but the kid has to work so hard to get there. I never saw it…and it may not be what the kid wanted.

Simply cos that’s the background I come from. Don’t think so much Esther. just focus on the things that need to be focused on. and take it easy you were so stressed this semester.

trying very hard

I want life, I want to soak it in now. It’s an experience I need to have for myself, make it personal, not what any altar call, or any energy booster, or any sugar high, or any friendship, or any crush, or any deep, heartfelt talk can do for me – I just need to get out, and experience life. It being the plan God has for me. What I have dreamed of, have thirsted for, have wanted intensely without knowing it all my entire life.  

I got to be real. I got to consecrate it to Jesus. Not bother what others think.  I got to not be a cardboard cutout of what my life is actually supposed to be, which is what I think I am now.

My wonderful day

Future
I was talking to a friend about the future, and what God wants us to do with our lives in the future. And it struck me how uncertain it is, really, the future. About if God wants me to do an honors year, or go straight to work or whatever his plan is…it won’t be certain till, about 1 semester before graduation? Or maybe even 4 weeks before? But I wouldn’t be able to say with such confidence a few weeks before…that it’s okay with me, you know, it is well with my soul all that jazz.
God
Right now, I was telling God I just want to remain in Melbourne for more time, I want to soak in His all consuming presence, feel more about him, learn deeper truths. I want Him to touch my heart and to be alive for him. Like I want to be passionate(!) when I go to work…. I don’t want to lose that zest, that spark for Him…

And I know sometimes things that are on my heart I just try to hide so deep lar. Pretend they don’t exist and life will go on just. fine. Haha I psycho myself into thinking this way…most of the time am being a screwy girl. Hahaha.
Church – evangelising
Church today was…good…awesome Lauren and her friend Rachel came along, it was Lauren’s first time to church and Rachel had been to a church before, but I think this time really struck them, they were talking about the passion, and seeing people so “on fire” (haha okay they didn’t speak the terms on fire but I know that’s what they were getting at). They spoke of the vibe at Planet shakers, and although I don’t quite know how to explain this fully, coherently yet, I think (okay I know) that was the work of the Holy Spirit on their hearts, and their lives. So Christian, in you read this blog, please keep my two dear friends in prayer. I hope God will impact their lives more in time to come… they had never before seen people so passionate, and they loved being in the presence of this…passion, I know that they now love being in the presence of God, although they don’t know it yet.

It was quite cool, me being my timorous Singaporean (meaning I think I’m sort of western, intellectualised? haha but not really. I am a timid little girl at heart) okay I’m going off, Asian self. You know? So of course I wonder what to say, the music was really loud, people going off their rockers jiving to the music, being passionate, it touched my heart…because I admit (okay here on my blog, for all the world to see if they do a google search- oh man, what a place to start :p) that I am always anxious, nervous to bring friends to church or even raise God in the conversations I have. Why? I ask myself. If he is such a key part of your life or your growth, why do you want to hide this enormous part of joy in your life from others?

And I’ve never really understood why other Christians like to do that as well. Yup we’re all timid (especially being asians, haha how I love to hide behind the Asian front), but there comes a time where nationalities and ethnicities are put aside, and only the important decision of God’s kingdom or not God’s kingdom comes, or remains or whatever. I think we have to rise up from our insecurities, and our fears, to believe. I don’t quite know myself yet, perhaps when I do know more I will blog more about this.
Cell – insecurities
Other things happening in my life, erm I am finding my (semi) new urban life at times quite draining. Of course, fitting into a new church (and a mega one at that), where you don’t know many people, and the few people you do are all spread out and doing things, you don’t see them very often is challenging, not to say the least. Okay, they’re asian, and perhaps they speak semi-sort-of the same as you…not really, like one-third times they’re conversing in malay (I should learn yeah :p) …but it’s difficult.

Mixing with working adults especially, perhaps they’re more confident having worked for a few years, or being older, I just find it a little of a shock easing into this world of people who watch different TV shows, and banter in hokkien, or canto, or malay, or whatever else I don’t really get…I hope something happens, like I become more comfortable or what. It seems easier to join an urban life of students, or friends I know “come join my urban life!” is like really common, but it seems maybe I have a purpose sticking it out here, in this not so friendly (perhaps not really yet my type urban life). But who knows. This is just a step on my great journey in God’s purpose…what I really need is people who will run with me, and inspire me.
School Work
hahaha. I just thought I’d put up these headings to make it easier for people who are looking for a particular part of my life. I’m handing up an essay for literary classics module tomorrow, and i think I’ve overwritten it. Like a bit. Like the devil is always coming up to me and saying, esther, you know, you haven’t done enough work on it, you haven’t written enough. Tear it down, and put it back together a bit more. I’m sure you’ll do a better job…next time. (how demoralising!)
You know, that idea, yup that one that you wrote down on the paper, the one you just wrote down! Yeah, don’t take your pencil away from it – that one, it isn’t good enough, how can you ever think that “X not loving Y because of ZQY reason is a good argument”? Of course it sucks…yes, you thought right in the first place, you’re a loser because all the things you think of are of no use to begin with…

Well, that’s the fight I’ve subconsciously been having with the devil, though he plants those thoughts in my head I don’t know they’re there? It’s terrible…this has been going through my entire life thoughts, which is why I don’t put out things growing, edifying, blossoming that will speak life into things…because all that is in my head and in my heart is uninspired. And it comes out in studying arts. A mirror to the soul. You know, i really feel like Isaiah (or was it Elijah?) in the valley of dry bones, where he was commanding the bones to come to life..

I got to blog more positively man. Studying arts is not going to be forever, there will be choices which will bring you out of this hole of thoughts, perhaps a change in attitude is needed as well…Esther, Esther, Esther…God, God, God I need your power God…