Crappy day

One thing I must remember on…especially on crappy days: God loves me, even on crappy days. Definitely on crappy days. Sigh, today, this week seems set to be a difficult one. Tests, essays, deadlines, assignments, coming up…plus its my birthday (ha, not that’s a bad thing…) means meetings with friends will be in the schedule also. =)

I am so tired and whiny now, but have so much work to do. better to wake up early tomorrow to tackle it. hmm my cell had a core group meeting just now, I am rather excited about the events to take place…can sense the anticipation, and its good.

It is true emotions tend to run overtime in the nights; feelings run so much deeper. Sigh which means I must work on keeping them in check and not being overly melacholy. Darned part of my personality. I wonder what I am anticipating these days.

looking forward to a 645 am cycle class at melbourne central tomorrow morning! haven’t woken this early in ages, maybe the exercise will get me motivated, and the blood pumping… the Sunday yoga class was a welcome relief, to stretch out the cramped muscles in the body, and stand on one leg, balanced – like a stork. haha man. Did I feel ridiculous in some of those poses, not anything like a good yoga workout though. heh man. making this gym membership worth it =)

And I guess I can look forward to homecell this friday, and time of having fun and fellowshipping with fellow brothers and sisters. and just being happy…I suppose. I hope I will build good friendships with people around me this year.

Sometimes despite concerted effort one puts into an endeavour, the end result is still to fall in one’s face…and I wonder why. With desperation I search for an answer, but it still eludes me horribly fast, vague and powdery dry after five years.

miracles do happen

I think I might have been too hard on my friends lately. Expecting unreasonable things of them, things no person can give to me. Sigh, and all I need is…something else.

This unbelievable thing happened to me…I was having a real defunct day, rushing about, I came into class at 850 for my 9 am tutorial, plus my dressing looked reaal haphazard, believe me, and I was rushing to copy out my tutorial notes, for a tute later on that day that I had forgotten to print…and I left my wallet at the library, only to realise little after an hour later.

My singapore ic, money, credit card and eftpos were all inside, and some cash – of course I panicked. Outside union house, me and lauren backtracked and I was in a real muddle, but okay. What are the likely odds of someone returning a wallet, with money and all intact in melbourne uni right? And lauren assured me maybe australians aren’t that bad (have I been mistaken? heh)

it was definitely a lost cause by my bet. tried to pray but somehow the prayer didn’t seem to reach the heavens. I journeyed to the library and my wallet was there! Even with credit card and ect. the person didn’t seem to have touched anything. Truly an act of God. = )

on the most crappy days, God is there with you too…

caught the Talented Mr Ripley and it definitly lives up to its ‘thriller’ classification. Ripley is a twisted character but yet he seems so normal. And although first he seems unwilling or pressured into a murder as response, it tragically becomes easier and easier to him.

Anyway, am going for dinner = ) … what a lovely (although crappy day)

the misty future

Eh I am getting used to the life overseas lah. Was talking with a friend the other day, she says her dream is to jet-set overseas, work there, “live it up”…between 26-28. I wonder how feasible is that really.

Living overseas don’t you miss home? Plus, you can’t relate to most of the people around you, try hard as you must. Because they are culturally from another place you aren’t.
You know times change people, but sometimes after meeting after like 3 years or so, you realise nothing is different, really. Just…taking onto a new stage of life why am I so wretched a person???

Past two weeks have been eventful. On another note: my birthday is approaching!!! hehe = ) I am learning what it means to be thankful in the midst of insurmountable circumstances – 9 days to 22. Intellectual bullying is so common here – and sometimes I don’t know what I believe anymore. Maybe I should just go and live in a 3rd world country. Or somewhere where life is simpler, and I’m not with people who are like tons richer and can afford to much I can’t…but why am I thinking about this in the first place.

I contemplated working in Melbourne for a while – but what for? Plus it is difficult to get a job. Sydney perhaps has a more cosmopolitan lifestyle; but would I rather go home or stay here to secure employment? It seems easy decision but I think its more difficult than it makes itself out to be in the first place. Coming overseas is like living out a dream, but if you never go back to the reality that makes it a dream, it isn’t a dream to begin with.

It seems like a common sense thing to do, to provide myself the opportunity to secure employment should I stay on in Melbourne upon graduation this year. But…what if I continue study? What if I decide to go home to Singapore? Have really to realise my own choices and decisions are part of my future; what I decide. I realise some of my own thoughts are not to be shared in public.

Okay to make it simple, I am struggling with Christianity more these days. Because I simply cannot believe people can have faith in so many versions of God. And yet I am trying to live a more balanced lifestyle? What can I say about this…I am grappling, want to apply myself elsewhere, but where? I am weak. I am tossed by the waves, and I am thirsty.

confusion

Oh pls. Why did I do that? Because I was over-pressed by religion and was stubbornly rebellious. I think when I don’t think over what I do, I can do very dumb things. Extremely dumb things.
Like the people I meet during clubbing, and what I can do with them. And I don’t think, that’s my problem. Gets me into a lot of fixes…and its also because I am a social person, I like to be around people – and the company here is just different.
WHY DID I DO THAT??!! It was just a little ****, and yet nothing at all. Although he was cute, but I don’t want to do it again.
Now my mind is full of these disturbing things that pop up in the midst of other things… I thought I could keep it in one corner and not bother about it – but can I? Am I not owning up to what is actually happening?
okay maybe you can want to make-out and wildly hit on people when lets say, stressed at work. Or what? Sigh man, how do I understand this.
Shucks man…I can really understand how people say it is therapeutic, and a get-away, escapist kinda thing. You know, perhaps I need more of a life. Rather than sitting at home, bemoaning the fact that I don’t have a life, I should go out there and get one. Like in the worldly sense…

Wanderlust

I have this thing about leaving places, leaving people, leaving relationships and going somewhere else. I can’t sit still. Drifting from one place to another, always disembodied from the situation. First I left Singapore, now I am soon to be leaving Melbourne.

And I got to learn to take my journeys on the page, running in the form of words. What’s the point of going everywhere if you can’t escape from what you’re running from in the first place? Cos temporary escape feels so good.

I got it into my head I want to traverse the globe, hike in Peru and sit on the mountaintops in the Himalayas. I wanted to go to the Great Barrier Reef and dive deep…you know whereever I go I’m just trying to run from something. But God says ‘even if you go to the depths of the sea, or to the highest mountaintop, even there will my hand lead you, even there will my Spirit guide you.’

When I came to Melbourne in 2005, I was just a lost soul, walking around the streets and wondering what was going on. I don’t think that sense of displacement and disambiguation ever completely disappeared from my self-complex though.

What I also realised is that I have forgotten how to laugh. Me, in my self-propensity for pain and inflicting thoughts on a melacholy heart…probably took it very in earnest and it became my mental bindings, not letting me escape the insecurity of my self-perception of me as a failure. Haha, probably I have not been so honest with myself for too long a time.

I don’t know what I want to do in life, but I don’t want to leave it till its too late. Yes but I will retain some form of self-restraint, and discipline… at times I feel like my soul has left me, I no longer take things easily, and my smile has left me.