desperation

What is my purpose? Try hard… I know I can, I know I can try but try at what? And God why does it hurt so bad? Because I’m afraid of getting hurt after I did get hurt? Oh freak the world screams me me me scratch the opponent who yells louder wins first prize what is made to be distorted

banshee screams and then it is gone
leaving dreams related to scathing nightmares, cycle after cycle, embedded so closely – we are working hard, but what for?

try, brittle heart O you of little faith
capsize this ship turn tantrums into cloud-filled skies sailing above
and I have a view, a vision of horizon different from 1 degree off
that takes materialism and common sense into a hazy heaven no one obscures. road wide way main easy rot

run run run away from it all
from those tell me I’m so small
captive imagination comes to flight… I think I went to heaven and I am now in hell

Wishing upon a Singapore star that fades

What can I do but go on? And this I will. Take my angsty spirit.

I lost my honesty. I lost my truth.

I gotta say…Jesus is awesome

More than enough for me Jesus…

I must apologise for writing such random and sporadic posts here. On top of that my moods seem to veer from sky-high to crashing to the ground rock-bottom between posts. I will update more when I have the time. And when I have clarity in my thoughts.

I just can’t believe how good Jesus is to me. He saved my friend from going to hell. He gave me freedom in Christ. He gave me a brand new start. He loves me. He is my peace, my strength, my firm foundation. He gave me the opportunity to come to Melbourne and live in a peaceful place with no war. He introduced me to such a lively, bubbly plethora of friends so my life is never lonely. He is with me every moment of the day. He gave me life!!! He gave me great parents, an awesome home situation and a lovely brother. He gave me riches.

Planetshakers newest album “All for Love” is out! Pick it up everybody! I’ll be back in Singapore on June the 13th! Just in time for my parent’s 20 dunno-what-th wedding aniversary. Wow, thank you God for being in their marriage!

Hebrews 13:5. No matter what. He loves me! I feel so secure. =) On a note, mentioned that I was seeking to forgive and heal deep emotional wounds in my heart? I emailed Z and very honestly said what I felt. And when I recieved an email reply from London… I know its over. Make a clean cut and now I am free to begin life in a new situation. Stripped of the emotional baggage I (unknowingly) carried for too many years of my young-woman life. Beautiful Woman is happening in 3 days time! Where I become a beautiful woman, inside – out

11 more days. 6000 more words. 2 drafts. awesome church. beautiful melbourne. no where else can one cycle in the streets feel gentle rain-clouds on my cheekbones. And actually be riding in the cold cloud (usually up above). The fog hovering around Melbourne has made it too beautiful to describe the past 2 days. then to moist Singapore. 12 participants. 12 interviews. many transcriptions. lovely friends, family, loved ones to meet. More of Jesus. Wow. can’t wait!

“Unwoman”

“picture coming”

A spectacle of self-loathing, pornographic femininity whose only designated function is to react to the opposing sex. She is a contorted product of the hypocritical arguments that fuel the fashion industry’s pseudo-intellectualism, deeply entrenched in the trappings of promiscuity but unable to actually pursue autonomous sexual acts. Defined by a highly exploitative carnality that is meant to empower, the unwoman is the Narcissistic manifestation of a designer’s social paranoia. A cartoon in the flesh, she is the product and the consumer that co-exist within the same Sartorial skin. Her narrative is that of a confused superficiality expressed through near-constant tragedy. She is a wilful hopelessness that requires constant re-en-forcement or it will come completely undone.

My un-purpose

I woke up this morning, rolling around in bed feeling like something on my heart I can’t place. I wanna have a happy life, go swimming, take lots of photos, have friends that I see for more than 6 months a year… what am I doing here? I didn’t want to be here in the first place. Maybe if I didn’t make that bad decision to apply overseas and if I had had more confidence in my sucky studies (which I put random efforts into).. if I had been more conscientious of my studies.

Decided to be emo all over again. Listening to a Corinne May CD. Why did I come here and why didn’t I quit earlier if I knew it would make me so unhappy? I am me I just can’t help having such thoughts.

WHY WHY WHY?

1. Why am I here in Melbourne?
2. Why does my heart long to be someplace else?
3. Why am I studying this course?
question 3: because I was too lazy to check otherwise my options. So this was a mistake? That God turns around for good because He loves me?

Sometimes being emotional doesn’t get anywhere as fast as being rational does.

Sometimes I wish I could act on my impulses, but Someone has captured my heart and though I try at times I can’t not listen any longer. I wanna be well enough not to have diarohea 5 times in an hour, and go out. Enjoy the life I have, be happy. Sit in the sun (fleeting hours) and embrace life. Not stuck indoors, living life through corny lines others have scripted ~ I write my own script. Come on! Life will get better… just believe (o:

It’s not about me

Oh man. The weather is cold, my throat is sore, and I’m sick. I’ve got a ton of work, and am spending time so inefficiently on top of that. When I’m not doing work, I’m worrying. And when I am, I can’t concentrate. What is bugging me! Gah.

Remind myself…its not about me, its not about me… come on this story is not about me…

sickness

Woo hoo!!! 1 literature review down, 1 presentation down… 2 days of being sick… and ongoing… =( an empty pantry with nothing in it…

love my coursemates =) love my life, apart from being sick… anyway just wanna say WOO HOO!!!! literature review and presentation down!!!!! all other thoughts are a bit jumbled at the moment.

the weather has been so sunny and yet chilling to the bone recently… its such a lovely day outside – on impulse want to find something to do, someone to hang out with. Yeah no nice food b/c … sorethroat. =S sssian…

quotes

Some of my favorite sayings…

“Goals are dreams with deadlines.” (Diana Scharf Hunt)

“If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.” (Chinese Proverb)“

“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.” (Martin Luther King Jr., “Strength to Love”, 1963)

“Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same, but you leave ‘em all over everything you do. (Elvis Presley)

“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” (Scott Hamilton)

“The more complicated and powerful the job, the more rudimentary the preparation for it.” (William F. Buckley, Jr.)

“Never mistake endurance for hospitality.” (Unknown)

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” (Lily Tomlin)

“Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.” (Lois Wyse)

“Judge intelligence by the answers given to questions. Judge creativity by the questions asked.” (Gerald Haman, founder and president of SolutionPeople)

“Success is often achieved by those who don’t know that failure is inevitable.” (Coco Chanel)

Thinking about a career…I’ve been sick the past couple of days…and I went downstairs to get lunch.

Boy: “How are you?”

Me: “Not too bad… do you have any porridge?”

B: “No… but we have claypot rice, which is sort of like porridge”

Me: “err…”

B: “You’re probably thinking what is Malay claypot rice like?”

Me: “Actually I have a sorethroat…so anything soupy…”

B: understanding smile

Me: “I’ll have the claypot rice”

After 5 minutes or so he came out of the kitchen and held a box 1/4 filled with water up high (well that’s how it loooked to me). He said with a big grin “This is replace your porridge!”.

Me: “Wow.” inquisitive look

B: “i’m going to put it into a plastic bag of course, i just wanted to show it to you first”

as I was leaving B said “get well soon!”

I felt so welcomed there. Why was that boy so nice to go out of his way to make someone like me, a  random customer feel better?

It made me think if there was a difference between Christians showing love and Malays showing love. The fact that I live on Lygon street, and have worked in hospitality… the fact that I like talking to people… it’s got to point to something in my future career…

in branding or communication… hospitality… about every aspect showing God’s love. imagine not being a boss on my own…

Motivational sayings

Thanks for letting me know I am remembered I hate space… anyway the past few weeks has been a real test of character for me, seeing how much work I can handle while keeping a positive outlook.

Several favourite sayings from the calendar on my desk (courtesy of Ministry of Education + Mum!)

What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, an American author, poet and philosopher

There is an immutable conflict at work, in life and in business, a constant battle between peace and chaos. Neither can be mastered, but both can be influenced. How you go about that is the key to success. – Philip Knight, the co-founder and former CEO of Nike, Inc. and the owner of Laika Entertainment House (formerly Will Vinton Studios). I don’t know if I quite agree…

I’ve included a picture of my work space…

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y121/estherchew/IMG_0182.jpg

For some reason, other photos are having problem uploading. Photobucket site seems to be down.

I believe that being successful means having a balance of success stories across the many areas of your life. You can’t truly be considered successful in your business life if your home life is in shambles. – Zig Ziglar, a highly successful American author, salesperson, and motivational speaker.

time for school!!

r a n d o m

Hey whoever reads this blog, thanks so much for reading this blog. Think i have too many problems in my life I try to superimpose onto people.

Not sure why, but lately people seem to have been forgetting me. Maybe I bury myself too deep inside the ground to be noticed. Unwilling to be noticed.

I am boring. borrr-eeng. Eew. If i weren’t me, I wouldn’t want to be me. Really? I remember acting in a play where a main character had this said to her by her friends “yooou sttink!” Do I? Why nobody wanna be my friend? =(

wayward wanderer

What do I do when I feel inadequate?

What do I do when I feel insecure?? When people’s giftings seem bigger than mine… that part I don’t mind… but when people don’t seem to care…? When my heart is empty, no conviction?

Maybe that’s why God makes our bodies capable of running, running, running away from the crowd, jeers, people who can give so much joy but also suffocate so unknowingly… I want to run away. Somewhere with fresh air, clean sand, and just be. Like be myself, be by myself but surrounded by society, life. I want to be somewhere I imagine in my mind…

I really really really feel like a lost sheep now. Thank God I figured out that structure was what was wrong with my draft outline – literature review and managed to look at thesis sentences and figure out that way.

PlanetUNI camp was big, awesome to see so many people there who I had never seen before. The church is growingin amazing ways. God met with me there, haven’t really figured out what I’ve gotten from it (yet). Will blog about it next time.

This is so bad, but sometimes I wonder: why bother? Why talk to people? In the time it takes me to get to know them, they’ll be gone for so much longer. Ps Russell’s message on continuing to live with an open heart… been hurt before? Welcome to reality! I know I have that burried somewhere in me am not (yet!) willing to deal with.

At dinner last night it was with people I knew but a bunch of strangers, melding in and out of my life, who were closer than I knew yet I don’t bother to want to get to know. They are from penninsula above my beloved-red-dot but yet miles different. Character, attitudes, outlook. Simple defining words that encapsulate a world within their 3 syllable borders. Things which would take 10 books to define. Yet strategically important…I really don’t think I could live without human touch, human encounter.

I used to be able to say things forthrightly to anyone I encountered, just tell-it and…be happy in who I was. But after meeting people who give all these hurts, scars, un-acknowledgement, ignorant, non-compliant attitudes…and who the sun still shines on and are so materially well off… I know life isn’t fair. Used to have a resigned attitude – and I was so happy – because I enjoyed what was small but free and now I’m just trapped along with the rest of the cynical, unhappy world.

Have things in my life I am just wondering about. I went out to dinner with a girl I’ve been inviting to church and her friends. Conversation over dinner was about celebrities, getting drunk, opposite sex, broken marriages, disbelief in marriage, being polygamous, freedom, getting smashed, partying, brashly spending money, divorce, making an impression, fashion world, being witty, callously funny, drinking… what the heck happened to my innocent life? And I ended up fainting from the wine I drank (note: I am a terrible drinker) and feeling shitty the rest of the night.

Do I want to work in an industry where this is how people get the next contact, high, job opportunity… You know they’re incredibly nice people though. They are real, care and have more experience than the usual highly petted, spoiled, naive, worry-about-getting-bad-grades bunch of overseas students I usually meet.

Haha I’m reading back on what I wrote and this is such. an. emo. post. It’s exactly how I feel right now.

Since I’m on this subject: I dislike older men, especially those who are working. They have so much (muscular and monetary) power and don’t hesitate to wield it. (What if they yield it the wrong way?) They look at you and you know what they’re thinking. And it scares me because I don’t know how to respond. Please, I don’t want to go out with you, go on a date or whatever.

I ate at lazzat for lunch and universal pizza for dinner. I’ve assignments due tomorrow, friday, and on thursday I’m meeting my teacher to discuss content for presentation in a month. Wednesday there is urbanlife. (yay!) I so seriously need. to. go. for. a run. Aside from affecting my physical life it is making me 200% more grump.
F is leaving to go back to Singapore. Boo-hoo… Mrs Lim I will miss your company, forthright comments, caring spirit. More to say in next post.